Here’s an excerpt from Tool/A Perfect Circle frontman Maynard James Keenan’s funny new Phoenix New Times column:

There’s an old saying I like to mumble under my breathe during psyche evaluations. “Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed.” Conclusion: Based on my clearly tireless and thorough research stretched over tens of minutes, I have come to the following daunting conclusion and well thought out suggestion. These are in fact the “End Of Days” and people need to know about it As Soon As Possible! Obviously the only rational thing to do is to clear out all of your bank accounts and send me a cashier’s check for the full amount. These funds will assist in further delivering this message to the rest of the world. There isn’t enough time to sell all of your possessions. So along with that cashiers check, I’m gonna need to you to go ahead and send along a detailed list of all your assets, toys, deeds, to any real estate, patents pending, etc. Please include high resolution photos. I can’t be bothered to Google image each and every one of them. Not enough time.

Chicken Little out.